MY FRIEND THE PSYCHIATRIST

My friend the psychiatrist tells a group of us, as we make small talk and drink at the Christmas party, that a person who peels an orange by tearing it off in chunks is not a person to be trusted. That they are impetuous, and unable to formulate a plan, much less see it through. Conversely, says my friend the psychiatrist, a person who can get the entire peel off in a single piece is something of a visionary. Thinkers, planners- the considerate, rational sorts of people whom we ought to make our leaders.

I told my friend the psychiatrist that it would be just like the soft sciences to make peeling an orange the litmus test for leadership. Does pancake flipping smack of courage then? Or eating a pomegranate, does that speak of a person’s tenacity and perseverance? Is fiber just a metonym for fortitude?

That’s why my wife and I left the Christmas party early, and why my wife won’t speak to me as she drives us home. Not because I’m a little drunk. Not because one of the interns looked pretty good in that little black number. Because my friend the psychiatrist is an asshole.