cyle talley

A Short, One Scene Play, Entirely For Your Amusement At My Expense

FADE IN:
INT. RETAIL STORE – MIDDAY

Present Day. Nameless mega-chain retail store in rural southwestern Colorado town. BUMBLING IDIOT, pleasant inane young man, meanders through the rows and aisles of bedding, sheets, pillows and comforters looking for new bedding, clearly bewildered. RETAIL ASSOCIATE, matronly middle-aged woman, approaches him.

ASSOCIATE:
May I help you, sir?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
I really, really hope so. I’m looking for new sheets, but I can’t seem to make heads or tails of anything.

ASSOCIATE:
Oh, of course! I’d be more than happy to help! What are you looking for? High thread count? Egyptian cotton? A particular pattern maybe?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
Uh…

ASSOCIATE:
I see. Okay then, follow me.

BUMBLING IDIOT and ASSOCIATE make their way through aisles stacked high with sheets, pillows, comforters, etc.

ASSOCIATE:
Now then, as you can see, there is a lot to choose from. We have individual sheets, both fitted and flat, as well as a host of blankets, quilts, throws, spreads and… I’ve lost you, haven’t I?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
I didn’t know there could be so many options.

ASSOCIATE:
Oh yes, yes. Here is a lovely, not to mention very popular, sets of Egyptian cotton sheets. 600 thread count. Ivory goes with most anything and these are very quality. $89.99 for the fitted and…

BUMBLING IDIOT:
$89.99?! For one sheet?!

ASSOCIATE:
Oh, but these are lovely. Very breathable.

BUMBLING IDIOT:
Good G-d almighty.

ASSOCIATE:
Let’s start more simply. How big is your bed, sweetie?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
I’ll know it when I hear it.

ASSOCIATE:
Single, double, twin, full-

BUMBLING IDIOT:
Full!

ASSOCIATE:
Okay, very good. Let’s go this way.

ASSOCIATE points down the aisle and leads BUMBLING IDIOT.

ASSOCIATE:
Now, do you need a duvet?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
What’s a duvet?

ASSOCIATE:
Well, do you have a down comforter? They’re tremendous investments.

BUMBLING IDIOT:
Who’s what?

ASSOCIATE:
Nevermind. Do you have a comforter or a quilt?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
There’s a difference?

ASSOCIATE:
Oh yes, yes! Heavens! (sighs loudly) Okay, is your blanket thick or thin?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
Uh… thick. Yeah, sort of… uh, fluffy.

ASSOCIATE:
Do you mean the material itself is fluffy? Or the filling of the blanket?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
That one. The filling.

ASSOCIATE:
Okay, so you have a comforter.

BUMBLING IDIOT:
Sure.

ASSOCIATE:
Okay, and you had sheets, I assume. What else? A throw? Another blanket?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
I’m still not sure what a throw is.

ASSOCIATE:
It’s a blanket that lays over a comforter.

BUMBLING IDIOT:
Oh, no I don’t have that. Just another blanket underneath the- uh- yeah, the comforter.

ASSOCIATE:
How many pillows do you have?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
Two.

ASSOCIATE:
Just two? Okay, I think I see what you’re needing, dear. Follow me.

ASSOCIATE points across the walkway to ceiling high shelves filled with thick packages of bedding.

ASSOCIATE:
Alright then, these are our bedding sets. I think you’ll probably be best with one of these. They have everything you need- sheets, pillow cases, a new comforter to liven up what is sure to be a dull room- no offense, dear- even a bed skirt!

BUMBLING IDIOT:
A bed skirt?

ASSOCIATE:
Don’t worry, honey. We’ll get you set up. You’ll finally have some proper bedding. Now, you said a full?

BUMBLING IDIOT:
Yeah, I-

ASSOCIATE throws package of bedding to BUMBLING IDIOT who catches it in his chest.

ASSOCIATE:
Lovely pattern, sure to complement any room. It’s on sale, too! And it even has shams!

BUMBLING IDIOT (shouting):
What in the blue hell is a sham?!

Several senior citizens and middle-aged couples stop and stare at BUMBLING IDIOT. BUMBLING IDIOT blushes.

BUMBLING IDIOT:
Good.

ASSOCIATE:
Oh dear.

BUMBLING IDIOT:
I’ll take it.

END SCENE.

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One comment

  1. Lol such a good account of a customer. I work in a clothing retail store and I get alot of customers that say
    “I need a shirt!” I ask what kind of shirt and they say ” a regular shirt” . Ah that just cleared things up perfectly lol.

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